Have I said this before?

I think people are too worried about offending other people. I believe there is such a thing as being too honest, but I don't think that should keep us from being too concerned about saying this and that. What I have realized is that there are varying degrees of those that struggle with infertility. Outsiders don't mean to be insensitive or to offend. But as an infertile person, I try to give others the benefit of the doubt.
One thing is for sure, we are not excempt from trials during this mortal life. It's what we signed up for. It can be unfortunate or fortunate, depending on how you look at it. Of course, no one can have a positive outlook all the time. With trials come heartache, frustration, sadness, anger and questioning. But, how long we dwell on the negative feelings that accompany trials will be our true test. This isn't the moral of the story.
I am confused and frustrated with a set of rules that are unnecessarily projected on others as a way to treat infertile women. I have found these rules on several different blogs. While the order may change and some rules are different, they are all the same: be aware of those that are infertile and be prepared with your etiquette before you approach them.
I have the list of rules I have found online listed below and my concerns with the rules. Remember, I mean this in total love. I am not trying to tell others that these rules are dumb. It's just that maybe they don't complete apply to me.

1. Do not complain about your pregnancy
Hey ladies, you complain all you want! It looks hard, it looks uncomfortable and sometimes you look like you could use a three-day nap. But complain! You have the right to do that. It's your body and your experience. If you're having a tough day...let it out. When the time is right for me, I'll probably complain too.

2. Ask before sending a baby shower invitation
Not necessary. It's like asking permission to be pregnant. You've done the deed now let's celebrate. It's fun, exciting and exhilirating about the impending arrival of a new life. Send out the invitations, let the person react in their own way. It's up to them to decide how they feel there is no need to make that decision for them.

3. Don't ask when someone is going to have children, no matter who it is
This is just part of the Mormon culture. There are always going to be those sweet, innocent, older Relief Society ladies that like to get nosey. They are the same ladies that will give you that behind-the-shoulder-downward-glance when your kid is acting up in church. It's inevitable. Try to think of a funny response, "Oh, well, we just enjoy naked-Sundays too much."

4. Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing
I don't think I have even seen or heard of this. When I think of people putting limitations on others abilities, I think of Sheri Dew. She's never been married. But I would never think of her as someone who could not accomplish a great deal because of this. Remember, part of God's plan includes increasing our knowledge (both temporally and spiritually), helping others realize their divine potential and increasing our devotion to our Savior.

5. Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments
Now that we are in the adoption process (very early stages), I hear countless stories of how once a couple adopts they become pregnant. Mormons are storytellers and like sharing amazing experiences with others, especially when they think its a similar situation. Remember, benefit of the doubt. They think they are helping.

6. Don't minimize their pain
Someone can only minize my pain if I let them. I have to be honest, this has happened sometimes. If one of my nieces or nephews is acting up, my sister in law will say something like, "Are you sure you want to have kids?" I almost feel like she doesn't appreciate what she has. But, I can't control how she feels about her own kids. I can only control how I feel about my situation.

7. Don't gossip about your friend's condition
The thing with gossip is that you aren't a part of it when it's about you. It's not until you hear from a friend from a friend from a friend that something was said. And even then it's not good to get all "OH NO SHE DI-INT!" People are going to talk. You can't control their behavior.

8. If you're a mother, please don't complain about how you hate Mother's Day
I think this goes the other way as well. I don't understand how some infertile women find it difficult to attend church on Mother's Day. Don't they have a mother/mother-in-law/grandmother/aunt they could honor? The term mother doesn't only apply to having and raising your own children. You can be a mother by being a kind teacher in nursery/primary and to the young women of the ward. You can be a mother to your nieces and nephews. If you want to be honored as a mother-in-training, then make it day about you. Otherwise, try to focus on someone else for a change.

9. If you want an update on your friend's infertility treatments or on their adoption search, please respect them by asking them in private
Some people are private, this I know, so you'll have to gauge for yourself based on each individual couple. But, I believe I am a pretty open person, especially since I have a public blog dedicated to all things "down there". However, if you want to take about womenly things I think that's a private matter. I don't think most men want to hear how heavy my monthly cycle is. Gross. Even I don't want to hear or think about it. Gross. But fertility treamtents in general cause all modesty to be thrown out of the window. It's like stirrups are no longer frightening and having my hoo-hah exposed for 30+ minutes is no longer a big deal.

10. Please have patience with your infertile friend
I don't try to label myself as infertile. I am a friend who happens to be infertile. I am a friend first. I am a sister first. I am a wife first. But, patience IS a virtue. Women who are infertile are pillars of patience. You probably don't even understand how freakin' patient we are. Like, really. REALLY. But, patience requires faith. Faith that the Lord has a plan for his children. We patiently wait for our turn at the blessing of a family - whether in this life or in the life to come.

Either way, I am happy. I am not bitter. I am not going to be sad and burst into inconsolable tears when you announce you're pregnant. I am happy with the way my life is right now. Of course, it's not completely ideal, we all strive for better things, but I am happy. I am happy because I am married to a wonderful man who I have been sealed with for this life and the life to come. I am happy because I know that families are forever. If that is just me and Brad forever, I am happy.


::Mosiah 2:41::
And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God has spoken it.

Attempting to Be Stress-Free

Is that title even humanly possible?



How am I expected to be stress free?



With the not-so-great outcome from our latest IVF cycle, I need a break. A break from worrying about numbers. And medications. And timing. And appointments. And tests. I just need a little bit of a break and my husband doesn't understand.



Last night at FHE, Bradley asked me, "Now when did you start your cycle again?"

Me: "Uh...I dunno, I can't even remember. Let me look at a calendar. Why do you want to know?"

Brad: "Well, we need to plan around ovulation."



--->Enter Crazy Tara.

I begin telling Brad that he needs to understand that I don't welcome that amount of stress. He then has the gall to ask if I even want children! Er....duh! Of course I do. Desperately. But I realize that my stress levels will not assist the conception process. Let's be relaxed. Let's be happy-go-lucky. Let's just go with the flow.

IF we followed the whole check-the-calendar-pee-on-LH surge-sticks-checking-ovulation process, I will still go through the same emotional upheaval for the last four years. I'd rather just be like the normal "fertiles" out there that just let it happen, when it happens. At least, for a little while. I'm not saying do that for the rest of our lives and never use expensive, yet medically sound, methods. I guess I just need some time.

I want a family. I really do. But, I also need to focus on myself. Sorry, going to be a little selfish here, honeycakes! Once I feel emotionally stable, we'll move forward and be more committed to the baby cause. Right now, it's time for Tara to ger hers. I apologize if this sounds cynical, ridiculous and selfish, but that bikini bod will not just appear magically!

Results of Pregnancy Test

Negative.  I am not pregnant.  

I am sad, but I will get over it soon.

I reflect on everything that I have experienced in these long 6 weeks and do not regret anything.  But, I do think:

Did I truly rely on the Lord throughout this process?

Did I put my complete Faith and Trust in the workings of the Lord?

Did I express enough to the Lord on my desire for a family?

I know I did.  I know that the Lord will bless me in due time.  The Lord has a plan for each of us.

There is a part of my patriarchal blessing that states, "Be patient as you wait for the timetable of the Lord.  Use this time to improve your life and help others."

I plan to do just that.  While it may not be an improvement worthy of spiritual recognition, I have decided to work on my health.  Prepare for my next blog: Mad Dash to Bikini Bod.

Nervous/Anxious/Butterflies

I am on my way to my blood test.

I. AM. NERVOUS.

Conversation: Progesterone Shots

Tara: Brad it's 9:25, shot time.
Brad: Okay, get the stuff ready, I'll be right in.

Tara prepares the 1 cc of progesterone in oil with the 22 gauge needles, aka needle of death.

Brad: Okay, let's start swabbing.
Tara: (pulls pants down around waist) Remember, it needs to be the outer hip.
Brad: Where? Right here? Right here? (all while swabbing the entirety of my outer hip)
Tara: No, like right here. (pointing to the fat pocket on the right)
Brad: Okay. (swabbing)
Tara: Make sure the alcohol dries.
Brad: Okay, here we go.
Tara: Ouch! (quick suck-in of air)
Brad: Does it hurt?
Tara: Yes!
Brad: Do you want me to start over?
Tara: No.
Brad: What do you want me to do?
Tara: Just get it over with. Ouch! Ooo. Eee.
Brad: Are you okay?'
Tara: Brad. No. I am not okay. You are giving me a shot in my muscle. Would you please just finish?
Brad: Okay, well, let me just inject the rest of the medication. I really don't mean to hurt you. Sorry.

Poor Brad - he has to hurt his wife.
Poor Tara - she is bruised.

Patience is NOT my virtue

Waiting is the hardest - even when you seem so close.

This last week has felt like a month. Every day seems to creep closer and closer to what a possible outcome might be. I am trying to remain positive but sometimes I just want to know. I just want to know, you know?

I have been feeling slightly crampy, off and on, and nothing too severe. So, it makes me think, "Well, this may not be it. We may not be pregnant." But I understand that every women's body reacts differently to pregnancy. Plus, I have been through what most women never dream of going through. So, maybe it's different? I don't know. I just don't know.

And because of the crampiness (no spotting - just an achy feeling) I keep thinking, "Okay today's the day that the waiting will be over. I will just start my period and just not have to worry." But every day goes by with nothing. My blood test will be tomorrow with news coming later in the day. In doing my best not to be cynical, knowing my body and experience I will start my period tomorrow morning right before the schedueld blood work.

And to top it all off, I got sick with a mild flu yesterday morning. I think it was coming on very gradually and then the symptoms hit me like a train. I am trying to take it easy with my medication being aware that I can only take extra-strength Tylenol and Sudafed. But, it may be the added stress of the week which makes this whole thing unbearable.

Waiting....

The Transfer

The transfer was done Wednesday (03/18/2009) only one day prior to our 4-year anniversary. How wonderfully special.

This time, Brad was allowed back.

The office instructed me that I had to come to the appointment with a full bladder. But, how full? We got to the office about 30 minutes before the actual appointment and about 10 minutes in I had to go. NOW. I told the receptionist my dilemna and she, in turn, asked IVF Nazi what I was to do. IVF Nazi told me that I could go, but only count to ten and then stop the flow. Are you kidding me lady? Do YOU work on your Kegel exercises that much? I highly doubt it. Screw that, I went to the bathroom and completely emptied every last ounce. That morning, within about 1 1/2 hours I had consumed 32 ounces of water. I knew that my bladder would fill right back up again. And it did.

They herded us into the room where bad memories still remain, but this time I was happy, hopeful, anxious, full bladder, peeing, waterfalls...wait...where did my mind go? Happy, yeah, right. I was once again instructed to dress in a hospital gown and then I was ordered to take three Valiums. Woo hoo! Bring on the drugs. IVF Nazi assured me that it would help with the urge to urinate. I think it subsided it for maybe 10 minutes, before the ultrsound was pushed on my bladder.

The process had to be set up very carefully. Speculum in check, with a cathedar (different sizes with trial runs) all under the strict care of a bladder-pushing ultrasound. It also does not help that I have an inverted cervix. So, pushing on the stomach and pushing on the hoo-hah - not a good mix.

Backtrack: Before all of this, Dr. G informed me that only four embryos survived the development process. Fifteen to four. It is expected. You can have so many and they all fertilize but they develop at their own rate. Two embryos, were at the Morula stage. This means that there is a 30% of conception. Not for each embryo, but altogether. The other two were of a different grade but were also at Morula and they wanted to see how they developed and they might opt to freeze them for later use. However, update [03/20/2009] on the other two embryos. I spoke with the embryologist today who said that the two embryos made it to blastocyst but they were poor quality - so he decided not to freeze them. He also said that it would be likely that the two that were implanted on Wednesday possibly made it to Blastocyst which means we are more likely to conceive. This is good news. This is hope.

Back to the transfer. So, after everything was prepared the embryologist returned with the two embyros. Bradley watched the ultrasound monitor as once the embryos are transferred it looks like a shooting star across the monitor. Pretty amazing. Once the believe they have transferred everything, the embryologist will return to view the cathedar under this high-powered microscope to make sure everyone made it safely to their new home. And guess what? One was left over in the cathedar. So everything was set up again and that stubborn embryo was transferred. Everything was removed and it was immediate relief. Well, almost.

They required to have me lay for 30 minutes - but I still had to....go. One of the nurses kindly provided a bedpan for me to go in. She placed it under my hips and just stood over me waiting. Has anyone actually successfully used a bedpan? It was difficult and unnatural. I told her to give me a minute. As soon as she left the room, and there was no peer-pressure, I went. And, oh, what glorious emptying took place.

After my 30 minutes was up, Brad helped me to the car and drove me home. We decided to have In N' Out for lunch since we were both starving....and the embryos wanted it. We went home and I remained on bed rest for the rest of the day.

I will have a blood test this Friday to see if I am pregnant. I will probably not report this right away as I want to give it time to make sure everything is running it's course as it should.

Egg Development

Out of the 17 retrieved, fifteen successfully fertilized. That sounded like an uncalculable number to me. The embryologist told me that out of the fifteen, seven looked as though they would not survive the freezing process as of now so he let them continue to develop to see the outcome. The eight remaining looked good and the cells are dividing as they should.

I received calls about every day from the embryologist informing me of our little Braddie's and Tara's growth. I felt so proud.

The cells divide once they are fertilized. Luckily, Brad's swimmers did the job on their own and the embryologist did not have to take any special measures to allow the eggs to fertilize. That will save us some money. Once the eggs are fertilized, the start dividing: 2, 4, 8, 16, Morula, Blastocyst. The best stage being Blastocyst. Once the embryos reach that stage the woman has a 50% of conception.

Next up....The Actual Transfer

The Retrieval

Retrieval 03/13/2009:

Friday morning rolls around and I haven't had anything to eat for several upon several hours. Not too hungry, more anxious. We finally get to the doctor's office and poor Bradley is told to wait in the waiting room until the procedure is over. I am told to change into a hospital-type gown, complete with the shower cap and booties. Unfortunately, the underestimated my own big booty and the gown barely wrapped around me providing little modesty. The nurse, IVF Nazi, reminded me that I would need to remove my "mormon undergarments too." Well, durh! How do I expect them to get to the follicles! Through my belly button? I assured the nurse that with my two laparoscopy surgeries, I am very capable of understanding the need to "completely undress".

I am led into a small room with a little operating table. Though, it's really not an operation per se, it still felt like one. I am instructed to lie down on the table and I am tucked in with covers and told to rest until the doctor and anesthesiologist arrive. What seems like eternity, about 15 minutes later the anesthesiologist comes in. Very nice looking lady with an accent that is difficult to place. She starts asking me important questions about other surgeries and explains the type of sedation I will be given. She then prepares my right hand for the IV and pokes. I tell her, "That was a little uncomfortable." "Oh really?" she replies, "That's the same needle I use for infants." Okay, now I am really not starting to like this lady. It's as if the like-factor went from zero to negative 50 within a few seconds. I didn't say it hurt or cried out in pain, it was just uncomfortable. There are no tears forming at the corner of my eyes, I thought I was doing my best just trying to be communicative. She starts with the tranquilizer and my eyes get heavy and swirly. It's a grand feeling.

The nurse then places my legs in the cushioned stirrups and pushed them far away. Like far. Like, so far I tell the nurse, "I should have worked on my flexibility this morning if I knew it was going to be like this." No response. What is with these people? Get some life into this room!

Soon after, I am put to sleep and, luckily, I don't remember a thing. I wake up from surgery already covered with blankets and with my upper body at a 45 degree angle. Brad is there next to me. I ask him how many eggs they retrieved and he says he doesn't know. Soon after, Dr. G walks in and informs me 17 eggs were retrieved. Jackpot! Awesome news.

Brad takes me home and cares for me the rest of the day. I was told I had to sleep at a 45 degree angle. How do you measure that? So, I was sleeping with 6 pillows propped up triangle style so that the pressure could be relieved on my abdomen.

The pain wasn't too severe, however, I would have twinges of ache every once and awhile. I tried the Tylenol-Codeine that was prescribed for me but it really didn't make me that sleepy. Even, Monday following the procedure I was still aching. But, I had to remember, to poke me 17 times in an attempt to retrieve eggs is going to make any woman sore.

Gonna Get 'Em

The wait is finally over, yet more waiting to come.

My last follicle check was yesterday and the retrieval date has been set for Friday (03/13/2009). At first, I was a little skeptical that it was going to be done so quickly since it seems like everything has been moving as a snail's pace. No slower, like a slug's pace. It's really slow. And to be honest, I was kind of getting over the whole three-shots-a-day-thing. My stomach is a little bruised - something that I didn't know until I actually stood in front of mirror. Both shocking and disgusting.

Last night about 11:00PM Bradley had to give me a trigger shot. This shot does exactly what it says and it will trigger the release of the follicles. The nurse kindly drew some permanent marker circles on my backside as choices for injection sites. And Bradley did a wonderful job injecting smack-dab in the middle of one of those circles. Bulls eye! It actually didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and, soon enough, it was over. And then back to sleep. Nice, comfortable sleep.

So, tomorrow is the day of reckoning. We'll find out what these ovaries are truly capable of.

And, I am even more blessed to have had this retrieval set for a Friday. I wasn't too keen on the idea of a mid-week retrieval and then having to return to work. I will be looking forward to a couple of days to rest. Yeah, me.

I'm good under pressure....

Finally, some progress. While it is slow-moving, the number are improving. It rhymed? How lame.

Another follicle check today and good ol' lefty is kickin' it up a notch. Report card shows six follicles on the left and six on the right. I think lefty was feeling a little left out. A little competition never hurts anyone, especially follicles.

It's somewhat nice to receive a little good news along the expensive journey that is IVF. A close friend of mine said, "It's probably the most expensive diagnostic thing you can do with fertility." I so agree. This is all new. To see how my body responds to the hormones. What is the quality of the eggs? Once everything is fertilized, are the embryos maturing as they should be? It's all up in the air. And you take day by day and see what happens.

And, just so you know, I've become somewhat of an expert at vaginal ultrasounds. I'm not sure the qualifications for becoming an expert - but I feel like I am definitely there. Probably an expert in the sense that I am no longer concerned about modesty at my clinic. For instance, the nurse always shows me to the ultrasound room and then tells me, every time, to undress from the waist down. I mean, should I be on the look out for when it's different one time? Like, just stand there until I know for sure what area of my clothes needs to be removed. And, when she looks at me like, lady-patient, I think you know what to do. I'll just be like, "Waist down, right? Just wanted to confirm that nothing was being viewed on the northern hemisphere." But, they're nurses. They get in a rut just like everyone else in their job. They say things without ever really thinking about it.

Like in my job, "Uh, no ma'am, your spring break vacation is NOT considered an educational expense. Please be sure to save that money for future courses that you will inevitablly fail. Thank you, and have a great day."

Check, Check...Is this thing on????

Monday (03/02/2009) I had a ultrasound check and blood work.

The blood work was the most difficult part. My veins are caput with my medication apparently. The assistant nurse tied up my right arm nice and tight, with the oh-so-comfortable rubber-band strap and proceeded to thump my arm to get a vein to pop up. Or was that the rhythm to the William Tell Overture? Not quite sure. Anyway, no luck. The assistant nurse decided to start with the ultrasound and then try again later.

So, into the ultrasound room and time for a follicle check. My main concern is the cyst that remains on my left ovary. I am concerned about that cyst being oversimulated and rupturing. Not looking forward to that. I know that I need to produce a good amount of follices, but I don't want anything to go awry. No follicle production on the left. Two, tiny follicles on the right.

Head Nurse: "You're taking your medication daily, right?"

Me: "Well, I've got the injection wounds to prove it."

Honestly, with all the crap-o-la that the left ovary has gone through, Dr G assumes that there will not be a lot of activity with follicle development. Sheesh.

So, increase the medication ten-fold. Just kidding, just a little increase.


::day 5:: Follistim 150iu (AM); Follistim 150iu (PM) and Menopur 2powders to 1ML water (PM)
::day 6:: Follistim 300iu (AM); Menopur 2powders to 1ML water (PM)

Day 7: Next follow up.

No Offense...It Just Needs to Be Said

Trials are fun, aren't they? After they are over, we often take a moment to meditate on the experience with a new sense of gratitude. We quickly realize that we have a loving, Father in Heaven, who wants to abundently bless us - but the plan will take a little more time. That's all...time. And, we have all the time in the world when you think about it.

But, honestly, this doesn't seem like a trial anymore. At first, it was. I'll admit it. It was hard not being able to see the pee-stick read positive. But, this was before I knew anything was wrong with me. Before I had information provided to me with steps laid out. Before, I knew that the Lord is in control of all things.

My "trial" pales in comparison to others with fertility issues. Some women lose children well into mid-pregnancy stages. I believe that would be difficult. Some women will lose children after they lived for several years through disease or by accident. I believe that is difficult. But mine? Not even close.

Which is why it bothers me when I hear people complain. Maybe they have to come to a realization like I did. And for some, this may take awhile. For example, I have a good friend who is soon to have her first child. This friend and her husband tried for two years to conceive and this child is a miracle - it just happened. No fertility help, just plain good luck. I am happy for her and provided support by attending her baby shower. Like a good friend, she mailed me a thank you note. Inside, the card expressed great appreciation for actually coming. Confused, I kept reading and she explained that a close friend of her declined to attend due to the fact that it would be too hard since this close friend was experiencing some trials in the kid department. I was shocked.

What if I never got married? Would I never attend another reception or wedding because it might be too difficult for me? No, because that would remove the focus of the attention on the one who should be happy because of their situation and not upset or sad because of yours.

I sincerely apologize if this offends any readers of this blog. It's probably two people. And to those two people - sorry.

I feel like a junkie

I received my medication in the mail Saturday (02/21/2009). I was extremely worried about getting them on time since my treatment start date was 02/23/2009 and I was required to bring in all the medication so they could go over instructions. What a relief to know that everything was received as planned. I'm sure the office in London got pretty sick of hearing, can you assure me it will be available by treatment date? When I last called Friday (02/20/2009) still worried about not getting my much needed medication, the rep said I could always buy what was needed locally and then return anything unused back to London with a FULL refund. PLUS, I wouldn't be required to pay shipping...the rep said their office would take care of the costs. Good to know for next time. However, next time if I know treatment is in two weeks I would rather pay the speed shipping cost. With the money I am saving, what's an extra $30? Honestly!
**Sidenote** I was saddened to see on my recent credit card statement, where I purchased the medicine, that I was charged $71+ for a Foreign Transaction Fee. Hello? Geez, these banks are really hurting for money. I decided to call the credit card company to see the reason for the charge. In my eyes, the charge is ridiculous. The charge was made somewhere in Panama probably in a tiny mud hut, but it was charged US dollars. No conversion necessary. But, when I spoke to the rep, all she said was, "It's the credit card company's policy. Sorry." And then silence. Okay? And, I proceeded to tell the rep that we'll be closing our credit card with them once the balance is paid off which I assured the rep would be sometime before the Apocalypse. So there! Mlnah! {tongue sticking out for those of you concerned what mlnah is}

The initial treament appointment was done by IVF Nazi and she was surprinsingly nice. Maybe too nice. Like, she would say things and then fake a smile. Like a HUGE fake smile and it reminded me of the chesire cat from Alice in Wonderland - she would even force-squint her eyes. Okay, lady... I know when I am being fake-smiled at! Stop it young lady, RIGHT NOW. But, she was fake-kind enough to go over all of my medications and when I would be using what. And what needle went with what medication. How to draw the medication from one needle and then switch to the smaller needle for comfort. It was all very imformative and I was excitedly taking it all in.

As of this morning, at about 6:30A I did my first injection. I was a little nervous but mainly because I was in a closed stall getting all the little parts ready. Opening the needle package and opening the alcohol swab and clicking my pen and giving the injection. I even brought my biohazard bin to work so that I could safely dispose the needles. IVF Nazi said I would be in big trouble if the needles were thrown away in regular trash. Trouble, like, trouble with the law? Are you saying I could go to jail? Man! All the risks involved with just getting a baby! I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

The following is a list of medication for the next 4 days:

::day 1:: Follistim 150iu - twice/day AND 2 Femara in the morning, 2 Femara in the evening
::day 2:: Follistim 150iu - twice/day AND 2 Femara in the morning, 2 Femara in the evening
::day 3:: Follistim 150iu - twice/day AND 2 Femara in the morning only
::day 4:: Follistim 150iu - in the morning, Menopur 2 powders to 1unit water

Next scheduled appointment: 03/02/2009 - checking hormone levels

One Step At A Time

So we're getting close. We're nearly there. Well, not quite.


Initially the doctor did not assume that I would start my cycle until the end of January or early February. Hello January 19th!!! Let's just go full throtle here. Not too excited that the dreaded flow was back loud and clear, but greatful that some progress is soon at hand. The FD put me on some Birth Control over the next month. This is to prepare the uterus AND to prevent follicles from forming too quickly.


Now here comes the exciting and expensive part - ordering hormones. Thankfully I have a friend who has been through this process and she referred me to these wonderful people. They are based out of London and the cost of medication is slashed by almost half the cost of what it would be to order in the US. The reason for this is the government subsidizes the funding for medication overthere. Translation: Healthcare for everyone...the governments way. So, why not take advantage of it? I sure did. And I am happy so far. Shipping is only about $40 and it will take about 2 weeks before all of my medication arrives. Nice.


I had a terrible experience, though, just trying to get a list of medications (protocol) requried from the Fertility Clinic. The IVF coordinator is on some power trip. I initially called her to ask some questions about the medication and, bad choice #1, told her I was going to order overseas. She was quick to tell me that ordering overseas was probably not a good idea since they "take your money and probably don't provide correct medication." I assured her that a close friend of mine has ordered from the same place and never had any problems and a specific clinic in Scottsdale actually prefers their patients order from this location to cut costs. Obviously, that was not the best response because she started retorting the list of medications and telling me which ones I could order online and those that she would not accept subsitutions. Needless to say, I was shocked. Plus, I don't do well with confrontation. When people start coming at me I cower in a corner with my nose to the wall, shoulders hunched over, shaking uncontrollably. Alright, well not that bad - but just about. It's hard for me to be confident in confronting the person if I have no clue about the subject material. I end up blabbing, "Durh, durh, well, durh..." and that gets me no where, surprisingly. So, I accept her crappy medication list and decide what to do. When I let Brad in on my debate with IVF Nazi he told me to basically told me to call her back (which I knew I needed to do) and demand for answers and medication lists. I couldn't just do this on a whim. So I start psyching myself up. I run conversations in my head and possible scenarios incase the back and forth doesn't go so smoothly. Then, with pulse racing and moist palms I call. Luckily, it was IVF Nazi's day off and the receptionist said she would give her my message.


Then to my surprise, I receive a return call from the head nurse at the clinic. When I explain to her that I need a complete list of my protocol, she says, "Sure, what's your fax number?" If only confrontation was that easy - I would change my calling to a lifelong politician. Now, I have my list. I don't think anyone can completely comprehand the elation that I feel when I have something that wasn't initially given to me before. It's like, nanner, nanner, nanner.


So, I've ordered my medication. I have an IVF class coming up this Thursday morning. I hope it's not like Lamaze class and they teach us breathing techniques through implantation. Sheesh!

Getting excited just not TOO excited

Another consultation with FD. She has decided not to aspirate the cyst at this time. She feels that we should move forward with conception and I couldn't agree more. She was, however, quick to explain the complications for ignoring the cyst now since the fertility drugs will increase the functionality and size of my ovaries. I'm sure she's being careful. But to me, I have had cysts rupture in the past. While the pain is nearly intolerable, it's not anything to give worry about.

This is the plan over the next couple of months

• Start my period sometime around end of January or early February
• Day 2 - 3 start Birth Control (this will prevent follicles from forming too soon) - take for up to 2 weeks
• Stop Birth Control, Start Injections - the injections will induce Super Ovulation making as many eggs as possible. The doctor believes that because of my endometriosis we will get maybe 4 - 5 eggs {fingers-crossed}
• Take IVF Class at the Clinic with the IVF Coordinator
• Removal of eggs
• Implantation

I can't believe we are already here. I am excited for what might happen, but there is a small or small-medium part of me that doesn't want to get too excited. The FD said that once my cycle starts it can be 34 - 40 days to implantation. So much planning.

We have also decided to submit papers for Adoption. This has been a difficult decision because I don't want to feel like we are "giving up" on having our own. But, whatever way possible we will have a family. We have all the paperwork completed, I just haven't submitted it. Luckily about 2 weeks ago, I received this email at work indicating that my employer is offering Adoption Benefits up to $5000. Kind of nice. I think we will get that paperwork ready to go in the next few months.

You must be trippin'

Last week (12/16/2008) I had the most painful process to date with this fertility stuff. From my last post, the FD performed a diagnostic hysteroscopy at which time she found some more polyps. After the diagnosis, she wanted me to come back in to have them removed. At first, I was angry. Why do I have to do this again so close to surgery?
It wasn't until the actual date of my appointment that I found out why. I was concerned being there in the first place. I knew that it would be painful. I was prepared. The nurses started to administer an IV and some Valium to relax me. Oh, glorious Valium - my long, lost bosum buddy.
I was able to (somewhat) coherently express my concerns to the doctor and my lack of understanding with doing another surgical hysteroscopy so close to my actual laparscopy date. She kindly explained that they wanted to make sure the polyps are not cancerous. Oh, the "C" word.? Okay. Do what you have to.
Now, I am getting loopy. I feel like my lips are not moving but words are coming out. They get all the "machinery" set up down there. And proceed to cut away the polyps while they administer Demerol. The Demerol doesn't really take away the sharp pain entirely, but it takes the edge off. I am moaning and breathing through the pain. The nurses kindly talk to me to keep my mind off what's going on. Nice nurse-ladies.
Finally, the FD is done and shows me the little vial of polyps. The substance reminds me of orange juice with red floaties not much larger than....floaties.
Sigh of relief....miserable pain is over.

Makes me want to seriously consider the idea of having my kids natural.

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

If anyone can guess which movie this blog title comes from, I will be genuinely impressed. First, because this movie rocks and then you'll rock too. And second, because nobody has really heard of this movie, other than my family who quotes it relentlessly. And don't just Google it. That's search-cheating.

I know I haven't updated in awhile. A lot has been going on...a lot of nothing. I had another consultation with the FD. Basically, she does these often throughout treatment as checkpoints to make sure we're on track for the ultimate goal. Which is conception.
This last consultation was a little depressing/discouraging/frustrating. The FD decided to perform an ultrasound to check my ovaries. And a cyst is back. Yes. That little guy pushed right on through the hot flashes, vaginal dryness (T.M.I) and mood swings to swell on up. The FD explained that there was a total of three cysts on the left ovary. She was able to successfully remove two. The third was attached to my bowels. The FD didn't want to mess with the bowel area, since as a Daley (maiden name for those that don't know) we already have enough "bowel problems". Not really. Inside joke for all the Daley bottom-problems out there. So instead of removing this cyst, she aspirated it. This means that she drained the fluid from the cyst. Sometimes this helps and the cyst does not return to normal size. I guess I'm that rare case.
To move forward with the medication coupled with in-vitro might cause a problem with the cyst. The medication needed prior to egg retrieval is supposed to induce ovulation (produce more eggs than normally occur in a month's cycle). The end result is that in most cases cysts are produced. Those women already with cysts could potentially mean cyst rupture. Ugh.
Next step? The FD would like to do an in-office aspiration on the cyst with guided ultrasound. Drain the cyst again.
She also suggested surgery again, but hinted to the fact that it will be an actual incision this time. Translation: Double-ouch, long recovery. This option is no bueno with me. Surgery again? Recovery again? I just can't see me signing up again for that so quickly. Now I wish she would have just removed the left ovary. The right doesn't seem to have same problems as the left. It's like these ovaries are twins. The left is the evil one. It doesn't mind. It doesn't respond to treatment. It behaves erractically. Like with all evil twins, you should get rid of it.
I told the FD that my main concern was to get a baby, without additional surgery. She agreed. And we are moving forward.

***Moving forward to last weekend***
While shopping in Target, I saw an old high school friend. She's not old, just the high school experience is. Before this chance-meeting, I had not seen her since before the birth of her first daugher nearly 2 years ago. She has also experienced fertility issues/problems/junk. We had a good, long talk near the Customer Service island (thanks BJ!). And she was able to provide a lot of needed words of wisdom and encouragement, which leads me to the title of this post. Before parting ways, after our lengthy discussion, she said that often times she will look at her daughter and think, "What if I gave up? What if I decided to quit? What would I be missing out on?" And it made me think, no matter the trial, no matter the difficulty I never want to give up. I will have a family. I never want to give up hope. Hope is something that builds our faith. And I've sure hoped through a good many things throughout this endeavor. Never give up, never surrender.

Ugh...now what?

Who knew the planning stages would be so long? Here I am, a few months into treatment, and it looks like there will be no end in sight.

The latest consultation with my FD is that during the month of December she wants to place me on Danazol. She described the medication as a male synthetic hormone that will continue to suppress the endometriosis growths. Most common side effects are acne (just what I need), weight gain (what I've always wanted) and facial hair (uh...what?).

So, here's an idea.. instead of the ward getting some no-name Santa this year, why not look within our own ward? I'm sure I'll have a full-grown beard by then. Nice and thick. I'll be the best dang Santa you'll ever see.

Sigh...I'm not sure about this step. I have been reading online about Danazol, on reputable sites, and the whole process doesn't seem very appealing. The only appealing process of this whole thing will be a baby. And who knows when that will happen?

Sometimes the whole process is overwhelming.

Hot flashes. Hot flashes. Hot flashes. I can't get enough of them. I love them. I love that when I sleep at night I wake up at least three times drenched in sweat. I love that when I'm at a meeting for church, I feel the rise in body tempature and I must scramble to find a piece of paper to fan myself with. I love that I wear my hair in up-dos: ponytails, buns, on-top-of-head-messes only because the long hair on my neck seems to trigger the hotness. I love that I can't get ready for church/work/night out on the town without a fan blowing directly on me.

I only do this because I want to have a family. I want it more than anything I have ever wanted before. Forget nice things - they're just things. Forget a nice house - nobody said it was nice anyway. Forget a career - do I have one? I want to be able to have a little piece of me and little piece of Brad (hopefully the larger piece will be from me) to be able to teach, train and bring up in the gospel. However, I know that if I never have the opportunity to actually bear a child I will still be fulfilled. I am fulfilled because I am married to a wonderful man for time and all eternity. I am fulfilled in knowing that there is something beyond this life. And this is what gets me through the "ugh".

Surgery success

Surgery was a success.

I remember waking up from surgery feeling extremely groggy. No matter the strength it is nearly impossible to keep your eyes open for more than a few seconds. The oxygen mask was my nearest and dearest friend as my lungs felt extremely heavy. I remember being cold and shivering. I remember nurses talking to me leaving only a few inches between their face and mine.
The surgery lasted about 4 1/2 hours. The doctor decided to keep me for overnight observation because (1) the length of the surgery and (2) the scar tissue they removed was extremely close to my bowels.
I have never been in a hospital overnight. It was an experience. It was very different to be in a room that wasn't my own - a bed that wasn't my own - one that lifted the head and the knees.
I think some of my family came to visit that night shortly before visiting hours expired. They were only there for a few minutes and I was sorry only that they had to drive so far out.
The biggest accomplishment while in the hospital is walking on your own, peeing more than a couple of ounces and flatulence. I did all three before the next day, thank you very much. So proud of myself.
My mom was able to take me home the following morning and she stayed with me during the day while I slept off the anesthesia.
But, the best part was that I was up walking around (very slowly at first) within the first days. I attribute that endeavor to two things: (1) embolism leg things - basically plastic leg warmers that squeeze your legs to prevent blood clots and (2) an amazing doctor.
Since that time, I have been recoverying nicely. No unnatural swelling of the incision sites (which, by the way, I would be willing to show to anyone) and just a little tenderness. But, I am grateful for the turnout of the surgery. A lot better than what I was anticipating.

Next up: Two more rounds of Lupron and then we will have in-vitro implantation in February.