Ugh...now what?

Who knew the planning stages would be so long? Here I am, a few months into treatment, and it looks like there will be no end in sight.

The latest consultation with my FD is that during the month of December she wants to place me on Danazol. She described the medication as a male synthetic hormone that will continue to suppress the endometriosis growths. Most common side effects are acne (just what I need), weight gain (what I've always wanted) and facial hair (uh...what?).

So, here's an idea.. instead of the ward getting some no-name Santa this year, why not look within our own ward? I'm sure I'll have a full-grown beard by then. Nice and thick. I'll be the best dang Santa you'll ever see.

Sigh...I'm not sure about this step. I have been reading online about Danazol, on reputable sites, and the whole process doesn't seem very appealing. The only appealing process of this whole thing will be a baby. And who knows when that will happen?

Sometimes the whole process is overwhelming.

Hot flashes. Hot flashes. Hot flashes. I can't get enough of them. I love them. I love that when I sleep at night I wake up at least three times drenched in sweat. I love that when I'm at a meeting for church, I feel the rise in body tempature and I must scramble to find a piece of paper to fan myself with. I love that I wear my hair in up-dos: ponytails, buns, on-top-of-head-messes only because the long hair on my neck seems to trigger the hotness. I love that I can't get ready for church/work/night out on the town without a fan blowing directly on me.

I only do this because I want to have a family. I want it more than anything I have ever wanted before. Forget nice things - they're just things. Forget a nice house - nobody said it was nice anyway. Forget a career - do I have one? I want to be able to have a little piece of me and little piece of Brad (hopefully the larger piece will be from me) to be able to teach, train and bring up in the gospel. However, I know that if I never have the opportunity to actually bear a child I will still be fulfilled. I am fulfilled because I am married to a wonderful man for time and all eternity. I am fulfilled in knowing that there is something beyond this life. And this is what gets me through the "ugh".